Relationships - Be prepared, this is a doozy!

Hello fello bloggers and just ones here to read......Just like any other, my life has many events that have made me form into who I am today.  I am not going to go far back into my childhood, or even as far as my failed marriage.  I will state from the moment past me leaving my ex husband ongoing to today's date.  This may take a few blogs, as I am an open book or I may just write a novel until I share what I feel like sharing is complete.  I will try to fast forward through parts, but there are many aspects in the last few years that have made me mold into who I am today.

I left my ex husband, a boozer and absent father to my son A (we will leave his name out for privacy).  I moved in with my parents in which I spent the next 2 years to the date with, they were so amazing to us.  They really helped mold me into a better person, while also helping me raise my son (he was 3 months old when we moved in) to be such a great kid.  I could never thank my parents enough for those first 2 years, but I definitely do what I can to make up for it now as best as I know how.

I had a history with a man we will call S.  Engaged in the time I was a teenager, which did not last all to long (11 months) and he up and decided to leave me without notice and never knew why.  Just a very short time after I left my ex husband, we reunited our relationship.  He never knew exactly why he left me so I simply thought commitment issues, he did say he always wished I would have chased him, but I just wasn't and will never be that kind of person. After 5 months of the "Oh I love you, always have and always will" from him, even him planning our dream wedding, I was still rolling my eyes in hindsight of what happened in previously.  Although I admit to have felt an overwhelming love for S even throughout my marriage.  5 months went by in the relationship, distance from him was becoming noticable.  I wasn't going to take that from him again so I made one simple phone call to say it was over.  Our conversations from that day on were not pretty, so to this day we do not speak.  S is married now to a Doctor of sorts (don't know much about what kind or anything), but really makes me see he could commit to a woman that made money.  He did always push me to get a good paying job, so go figure. 

I didn't shed many tears over that relationship ending.  For me it was sweet relief, I finally had the closure I never had before.  One thing I wouldn't have delt with over time, is there was absolutely no bond between him and my son A, not something I would care for in a future life with someone.

Winter came and it was a lonely one.  Man-wise that is......December rolled around and I became connected with a man we will call K.  I never really had an instant physical attraction to him, but I decided to give him a chance in a friendship kinda way.  We spent months talking through plentyoffish.com and decided to meet for dinner at Swiss Chalet and a night of poker.  I decided to treat it like a date and see what happened.  I had such a fun time, not just with what we did, but how fun K really was.  Our relationship progressed quite fast.  He was not only a friend but someone I really cared about.  We said I love you to each other frequently, but I can admit now that I do not believe we actually ever loved each other.  I fell in love with his daughter and miss her every single day.  His bond with my son A was quite entertaining and fun as well.  Nothing about our relationship could ever be described as anything other then FUN.  As the months went by, we did all sorts of things.  Horseback riding, poker weekly, the beach on occasion, Canada's Wonderland a few times, car races every week, etc........So many things we did we just laughed and had such a great time.

 In that time I was losing weight at a slow but steady rate.  We had been house shopping, I thought that he just wanted a bigger house just in case (later found out he was getting close to the idea of us all living together).  I had not been working at the time and didn't plan on it for a while yet, as my son was not even 2 years old yet and I was not ready to put him in daycare.  I was also trying to do correspondence to get my high school diploma but it was not working out as I am definitely better in a school setting.  I started noticing a distance from him nearing the end of our 7 months together.  Being self concious of my weight as I always have been (not even obessively fat), I thought it was my weight.  He did always compare me to his super skinny ex wife.  So one day I decided to text him that it was over.  I know, such a bad way to break up.  But I cared for him so much I could not bare to see him in person to say anything. 

That night as well he told me he would not be going to poker as he had his daughter.  So I decided to go alone to at least say goodbye to the new friends I made at poker night.  I was sitting there talking with someone when I saw K and his daughter walk in.  My heart went into my throat and I looked for any way to escape.  But his daughter spotted me and K and I went outside.  I feel like such an idiot for going in the first place.  What I did was break down and cry over what a mistake I was making.  But there was no mistake.  I was going to miss the fun and of course his daughter very much, but I could tell he wanted to change me and that was something I was not prepared to do, especially not because someone else felt I should.

After K and I broke up he tell admit to having a slight issue with my weight, not a big one though.  As well he also had issues with my procrastination about getting my high school diploma and the fact that he thought I didn't want to work because I was lazy.  I loved that he told me that because now I didn't feel like I had to change for myself, but realized I could make some changes just to be happier with myself.  I started going to the gym frequently with my mom as well as go on her Weight Watcher's diet, I lost over 70 pounds in just a few months and looked fantastic for my 28th birthday.  Also 2 months after K and I broke up I enrolled into an Adult Learning Centre and that June I graduated highschool, 10 years late but better late then never.  After several months, K and I started being friends again, and I absolutely value our friendship, we do not belong together as a couple which I am absolutely fine with, but he is still just as fun as a friend even through we almost never see eachother.

I wasn't single to long after that.  I think within a week I met my next boyfriend, we will call M.  Now this one I should have known to walk away from right at the start.  M and I met just a few days after we started talking on plentyoffish.com.  He took me out to Yuk Yuk's for a comedy show.  I was just tickled pink at how absolutely gorgeous he was, so much better looking then I thought I deserved.  He also smelled so great, I could have melted when we had our first hug.  We had such a great time, the best part was when he was drawing maps of Europe on a napkin to explain the part of Europe he was from.  He had such an amazing accent, I was in total awe.  We drove around after that and he told me about a condition he has called Agoraphobia, some kind of social anxiety although he never seemed antisocial.  I won't get into detail of many other private things he told me that night, but it irked me.  I decided to give him a chance anyway.  At the end of the night he kissed me and OMG that first kiss was the lightening storm I had always wanted to see while kissing someone. 

The next day he called me and begged me to let him drive to my town to see me, even for just 5 minutes.  There was a storm outside and I thought he was nuts!  I had another date planned that night but didn't want to tell him that, as it was planned before M and I met.  After many times of begging I decided he can come and we could have a hot chocolate together.  I advised my Mom to call in 5 minutes saying my son was crying inside the house, just to get rid of M as he was driving me nuts!  My Mom did that and M left and I quickly got ready for my date and left.

Over the next several months I told M that I had no interest in dating him.  He would call and write to me often til it got to the point where he was begging me to come over and just lay naked and cuddle with him.  I thought he was off his rocker and stopped all contact with him.  A couple of months later he called me at 3 am telling me he missed me and begged for me to give him another chance.  I decided ok I will go to the movies with him, heck I needed a night out anyway.  He was there again looking so delicious and smelling so devine, we had a great time.  The next day I must have lost a few brain cells or something cause I asked him to be my boyfriend.

From that day on, things were just magical with him, frequently odd but magical.  He was so complimentive of my looks, sweet in such a nature that I melted with every word he said.  Within a week he was telling me one night that he loved me.  He expected for me to say it back, but I did not feel that way.  He went off across the street from my friends place and pouted, I felt so bad for him that I ran over and just told him I loved him too without actually meaning it.  He was all giddy like a school boy getting his first kiss.  From that day on things went progressively fast paced, lightening speed ahead.....He was so graciously sweet I fell in love with him faster then I had ever thought possible.  I think one thing that made me fall so hard for him was the night just a few short weeks after we met when I found a lump in my breast, I was crying that night telling him about it.  I asked him if he would leave me if I had cancer and he said he would be there for me in any circumstance.  He even went with me to the doctors and the mamogram, which thank god came out to just be cysts or something.  But he was there for me all the way. 

My parents decided to sell their house on short notice, short notice to me that is.  They decided to purchase a house 3 hours from where we lived.  They offered for me to come with them but I was finally settled in to the area I was in and fallin in love with M.  I had such a decision to make at the time.  M was so quick to jump on the idea of us living together.  At the time of them selling their house and moving, we had only been together for 2 months, so I was reluctant.  I decided to share a townhouse with a friend of mine, which I was nervous about money as she and I both had kids, she was on welfare and my only income at the time was child support.  My fears ended up causing my friend to lose her apartment because I decided my best move was to live in a cheaper apartment with M.  I had to decide what I thought was best for my son and I at the time, although looking back neither decisions would have been right.

Everything was falling into place like a fairy tale.  Since I had yet to finish school, I decided to let my son live with my parents for a month and I moved in with M and his sister for a month.  We then had time to have my last month in school, graduate and find a great apartment for us all.  M was amazing with my son, I thought he was the best person for my son if he ever became step daddy.  Throughout that month I expressed a fear with M that I thought he was going to flip and become someone else once we moved in to the new apartment.  I swear in that moment I was a psychic.

Just a few short days after moving in and getting my son back from my parents, I found out I was pregnant.  I was incredibly happy and extremely scared.  I knew that if I didn`t get pills from a doctor right away, I would lose that baby.  M wanted this baby so bad, I didn`t want to hurt him with my issues with infertility, although I told him well before this that I couldn`t have babies the old fashioned way.  It took me 4 days, many doctor visits and many arguments to finally get the pills I needed.  I got home from getting the prescription and I was bleeding.  I had to say goodbye to another baby so early in my tummy.  At that moment was the first signs that my then boyfriend M was an asshole....He said for me after only a day, ``Get over it and move on``. 

He used to be so anal about the way I kept house.  I cooked and cleaned for him while he was at work.  I put all my money in envelopes which paid for all our groceries, bills, his parents and his Visa.  All he ever did was nitpick about how my son A`s toys were everywhere, which my son would be right in the middle of playing where his toys were.  He would nitpick that dinner wasn`t ready the minute he walked in the door, hell I never cooked before that time, he is lucky he even got good food!  He would pick a fight over what envelopes my money would go into.  Yes he paid for the rent and cable, but I didn`t see how fair it was for me to pay his previous debts when I also needed an envelope for my son A`s clothing which would be needed by the coming fall.  There is so much more but that would take even longer lol.

I was miserable, my Mom knew it too.  She asked me why I just don`t leave him, I was scared to.  I loved him so much, but really I loved the man he was previous to moving in with him, not this prick I was living with then.  I did contemplate how to leave him but was scared so bad to do it, I just lost the thought and decided to live with what is.  He started talking to my ex husbands cousin, as my ex was taking our son to her house when visiting and I wanted to know if she was really his cousin (being married for 8 years I would have thought I would remember her).  It turned out to be his cousin and I did know her.  I caught him one night chatting sexually to her, he claimed he was just playing with her, as he pretended to be a widowed father of 2 to get her attention to begin with, he claimed he was just playing the part to get more information from her.

One night he sat me down on the sofa and told me that he wanted me to become a swinger with him.  EW I thought at first thought.  I was never going to sleep with another man when I am with someone I love, and I could not bare to know he would be sleeping with another woman.  He told me that I must decide to do that or he was going to cheat on me.  He said he needed fresh p***y once in a while for a variety.  Our sex life was not lacking anything, he even admits to it today that it was not me.  I was upset about the conversation we had earlier on the sofa so I was out in the garage crying and smoking a cigarette when my landlord came in the garage.  I felt I needed to talk to someone so I was telling my landlord what was happening in the relationship, and just as I was telling him, M came up from the apartment looking all hot and smelling so perfect telling me he was going to see D (my ex husbands cousin).  I held my composure in front of my landlord and about a half hour later I called his cell phone frantic.  I begged him not to do that to me, but he was going to whether it hurt me or not.  Within just about 20 minutes I packed up everything I could into the back of my SUV, grabbed my son and at 1 am started heading 3 hours away to my parents house.  Three days later my brother got a truck and a couple of men to empty out the apartment as 98% of everything there was mine.  At least M was good about making sure I got everything that was mine.

Over the next several weeks I moved in with my brother.  I immediately found out I was pregnant again.  Well we all know what happened to that baby, but I was pregnant for 8 weeks this time around and not without the most stress ever and very very sick.  M was very gung ho pressuring me to have an abortion, not something I would have ever even thought of.  But I knew I would lose the baby anyway, and it was pointless to have one with him, so I did not take the pills I still had in my cupboard.

Now this is all going to make you all think, this girl is nuts.  But be in my position you may have done the same thing.  Over the next few months, M was very supportive to how much I was hurting over everything, he was being that sweet man I once fell in love with.  He appologized for everything he put me through, putting the blame on himself and not me.  We bacame friends through all our conversations, best friends even.  We made a decision that my son A and I would move back in, my son and I shared my son`s old bedroom, his pracically cousin had M and my old bedroom and M built a makeshift bedroom with a curtain across the livingroom.  It actually worked out really well and we all shared the $900 rent between the 3 of us.  My soul purpose for moving back in was to annoy M enough to make him want to move out so I could give my son`s home back to him.  I started working while living with my brother, so I knew I could afford it. 

It only took me 2 months to drive M totally bonkers, and he decided to go to his parents one weekend and he never came back.  Well he did come back for visits and to get all his stuff of course.  We continued to stay friends after that as well.  My other roommate decided to move out a couple of months after that and it was nice to be free in my own apartment with my son.  I loved that apartment!

I lost my job while living alone so I didn`t live alone for long.  I did get a job a couple of days a week as a coffee truck driver thanks to a friend of mine, but that was barely making ends meet.  So within a short few months of living alone with my son, we decided to move back in with my parents.  I still visited M a few times after moving, as he moved 3 hours north, I moved 3 hours east so he is only 2 hours from me.    But over the last few visits I realized I could not get over him and move on until I stopped talking to him.  He made it really easy to say goodbye one night when he was bashing my every being with hateful things that really were not true. So boom, he was blocked from everything, facebook, text, msn and anything else I could think of. 

Several months of not talking to him and hating him made me stop loving him, I was so greatful for that.  But then I realized, not moving on had nothing to do with still being in love with him for so long.  As now I am over him and have been for such a long time, I still can`t find myself trying to date anyone.  Mind you in the area I live in now, men are so completely not my type, I am city girl while they are country men.  I hate drinkers (scarred from being married to a boozer) and in the country men love their daily intake of beer.  Plus I like those metrosexual pretty boys that smell great and dress great.  Something easily found in the city, but not at all in the country.

All in all I have to realize to stop making excuses.  I know logically I am the only one to blame for my reluctance in dating.  I am the one that strung my love for M so long it probably made the hurt that cheating did to me dig into my soul over and over.  But emotionally I admit that I keep on blaming being cheated on is doing this to me.  I really don`t know psychologically why I cannot persue a dating life with anyone else, or even just simple casual dating.  I have absolutely no interest in meeting men at all.  But I absolutely have interest in feeling a cuddle with someone, a kiss with someone, a hug with someone.  But I really just want all that without falling in love with someone.  The way I see it, the only way to have all that without falling in love with someone is to not just doing it over and over with one person, but to move on from man to man.  That is just not me!  I am a one man kind of woman, a woman that desires to be married again someday, a woman that would give all my loyalty to a deserving man.  So my biggest question about relationships is......

How can I let myself be loved again?